I've spent much of today cleaning my apartment but also my thoughts. I've a lot on my mind. Mostly I'm reconnecting with old friends I haven't spoken to in years... waiting for them to respond is difficult. Right now, a lot of my life is spent waiting while I focus on the few things I can change. I can't finish school immediately, or instantly be at my goal weight, but instead I can only focus on the now and make the most of what is here before it's gone.
The apartment my ex-husband lived in is, quite honestly, a mess. When he first said he wanted a divorce, I slept elsewhere while he promised he was taking care of it. I'm sure you can see where this is going... about sixty or so (no exaggeration there sadly) 30 gallon bags of garbage later, it's almost clean, even though there are yet still more bags waiting. It makes me angry - angry at myself for the most part, for letting things get this bad, even though I didn't live here. Angry at myself for letting my body wind up in a similar fashion.
I can't change the past or be in the future, so right now I focus on being happy that I am alive, have somewhere to live, and have the physical ability to clean, and the desire to change it for the better.
9.29.2010
9.27.2010
Monday Weigh-In & Neural Plasticity
Today's weight: 396.6
BMI: 72.54
The next mini-goal will be to reach 375 pounds by the end of November. It may seem like a long time given the fast weight loss these two weeks, but I'd rather aim low then aim too high and set the bar to something unachievable. I know myself all too well, and it's way too easy to throw off the steady pace in a fit of despair and eat everything in sight.
The past week has been stressful. The good kind of stress, but still stress nonetheless. I ate far too many carbs yesterday - three cups of fruit which is a lot of sugar for me, but it helped stave off crabings for Bad Things. I've found cooking everything makes for a much easier time of sticking to what food is best for me, versus winging it.
Some temptations are simply too great. We have a tremendous pizza restaurant nearby, and I simply can't go. I just don't eat correctly if I do - so I stay home or suggest alternatives if a friend wants to visit. I don't expect that this will last forever after habits are more correctly formed. Right now I would definitely binge. I can easily eat 10-20k, and yes I mean ten to twenty thousand, calories a day when I find the right mix my addiction desires. For now, I will eat a bit of extra fruit instead and be happy that I made a better choice, even if it's not the "perfect" one.
And it's true, that old habits don't have to last forever, thanks to everyone's friend neural plasticity. The human brain is a curious creature, and has the ability to grow and change depending on what we do or think. This is called neural plasticity. Even visualizing things very clearly has the effect on altering brain structure; if you make yourself believe something, the brain changes according to this. It's the reasons that pianists were found to have more brain mass in the areas controlling physical dexterity and precision, why the brain can recover so adamantly (and surprisingly) after trauma both physical and mental, and also one of many reasons that weight loss can be such a pain in the ass.
It takes several months to make a new pathway in the brain. I've read somewhere in the range of six to nine months. Now, during those six months or what have you, the important thing is not merely doing the habit you wish to form, it's posting reminders to yourself, visualizing the outcome in a positive and attractive way that makes you desire it, and even if you divert from it, to immediately get back on track. Many aspects of our behavior are in fact unconsciously done for us on our behalf by our brains, and this is why willpower alone, while an important key, cannot be the only ingredient in success when changing a very ingrained habit.
Now it's true once the pathways are formed that the old pathway exists, as well. Still, once the new roads are paved, acting as you want to becomes more second nature.
Sorry for rambling, but it's fascinating stuff. I take responsibility for my huge weight gain, as I should, but the heart of the matter is that anyone can change if they really want to. The thing I'm trying to say I guess, is that you have to actually want change or it won't happen.
BMI: 72.54
The next mini-goal will be to reach 375 pounds by the end of November. It may seem like a long time given the fast weight loss these two weeks, but I'd rather aim low then aim too high and set the bar to something unachievable. I know myself all too well, and it's way too easy to throw off the steady pace in a fit of despair and eat everything in sight.
The past week has been stressful. The good kind of stress, but still stress nonetheless. I ate far too many carbs yesterday - three cups of fruit which is a lot of sugar for me, but it helped stave off crabings for Bad Things. I've found cooking everything makes for a much easier time of sticking to what food is best for me, versus winging it.
Some temptations are simply too great. We have a tremendous pizza restaurant nearby, and I simply can't go. I just don't eat correctly if I do - so I stay home or suggest alternatives if a friend wants to visit. I don't expect that this will last forever after habits are more correctly formed. Right now I would definitely binge. I can easily eat 10-20k, and yes I mean ten to twenty thousand, calories a day when I find the right mix my addiction desires. For now, I will eat a bit of extra fruit instead and be happy that I made a better choice, even if it's not the "perfect" one.
And it's true, that old habits don't have to last forever, thanks to everyone's friend neural plasticity. The human brain is a curious creature, and has the ability to grow and change depending on what we do or think. This is called neural plasticity. Even visualizing things very clearly has the effect on altering brain structure; if you make yourself believe something, the brain changes according to this. It's the reasons that pianists were found to have more brain mass in the areas controlling physical dexterity and precision, why the brain can recover so adamantly (and surprisingly) after trauma both physical and mental, and also one of many reasons that weight loss can be such a pain in the ass.
It takes several months to make a new pathway in the brain. I've read somewhere in the range of six to nine months. Now, during those six months or what have you, the important thing is not merely doing the habit you wish to form, it's posting reminders to yourself, visualizing the outcome in a positive and attractive way that makes you desire it, and even if you divert from it, to immediately get back on track. Many aspects of our behavior are in fact unconsciously done for us on our behalf by our brains, and this is why willpower alone, while an important key, cannot be the only ingredient in success when changing a very ingrained habit.
Now it's true once the pathways are formed that the old pathway exists, as well. Still, once the new roads are paved, acting as you want to becomes more second nature.
Sorry for rambling, but it's fascinating stuff. I take responsibility for my huge weight gain, as I should, but the heart of the matter is that anyone can change if they really want to. The thing I'm trying to say I guess, is that you have to actually want change or it won't happen.
9.23.2010
Test #1
Had my first Psych exam today... and apparently got a perfect score, I just found out! I'm so excited. Between that and the weightloss, I feel like I'm flying today!
9.22.2010
Wednesday Report
Things have been quiet. Yesterday was the therapist, and tomorrow's an appointment with my advisor for college. I'm a bit nervous about the walking on campus since I'm not so great at it yet, but we'll see how it goes.
I've stuck to my diet since my first post here, which is a big accomplishment for me. Still idly pondering posting weekly calorie/carb totals - maybe I will every friday for the week before.
I've stuck to my diet since my first post here, which is a big accomplishment for me. Still idly pondering posting weekly calorie/carb totals - maybe I will every friday for the week before.
9.20.2010
Monday Weigh-In
Monday's weight and stats are here!
Weight: 399.7 pounds
BMI: 73.1
I'm sure the bulk is water for now. It's a good feeling to have managed to stick to my new lifestyle for a week. I still catch myself wanting to say 'diet' instead, but the reality is the change and behaviors must be permanent. Onward we go!
Weight: 399.7 pounds
BMI: 73.1
I'm sure the bulk is water for now. It's a good feeling to have managed to stick to my new lifestyle for a week. I still catch myself wanting to say 'diet' instead, but the reality is the change and behaviors must be permanent. Onward we go!
9.19.2010
Sunday Update
Friday night I stabbed myself in the finger whilst making dinner. I guess healthy cooking can be dangerous! It's a bit awkward now to do much, but I've been ignoring it and proceeding as planned. In the past I'd use this excuse to other pizza or eat other crap, but that's no longer an option. In fact, the thought to do that didn't even occur to me until I started to get ready to write my update, which makes me sort of proud. It's the little things that add up.
I've been having very bad leg cramps this weekend, so I'm taking care to massage my legs before walking, and making sure that I'm not cold. It seems to help a bit, but I'm still having trouble when I sleep of all things. I'll make a note of it if this continues and mention it to the doctor.
I've been having very bad leg cramps this weekend, so I'm taking care to massage my legs before walking, and making sure that I'm not cold. It seems to help a bit, but I'm still having trouble when I sleep of all things. I'll make a note of it if this continues and mention it to the doctor.
9.18.2010
Goals
I figured during the downtime of the weekend that it'd be a good idea to write out and plan my goals for weight loss. Right now I'm not planning on losing more than two pounds a week to be safe, but that makes for daunting numbers:
Starting weight: 407 lbs
Final goal: 150 lbs
Total needed to lose: 257 lbs
At two pounds a week, it works out to taking about two and a half years to finish. That's... a long time. It can't all be done at once forever, just one step forward at a time.
My first landmark goal is to have lost half the weight I need to. At that point I'll weigh 278 lbs - still quite overweight, but better than 407 pounds, certainly. I will need to lose ~128 pounds to reach that point. My first short term goal is to lose eight pounds and drop below 400 pounds. I'll reach this no matter what!
Starting weight: 407 lbs
Final goal: 150 lbs
Total needed to lose: 257 lbs
At two pounds a week, it works out to taking about two and a half years to finish. That's... a long time. It can't all be done at once forever, just one step forward at a time.
My first landmark goal is to have lost half the weight I need to. At that point I'll weigh 278 lbs - still quite overweight, but better than 407 pounds, certainly. I will need to lose ~128 pounds to reach that point. My first short term goal is to lose eight pounds and drop below 400 pounds. I'll reach this no matter what!
9.17.2010
Friday Report
It's about 11 AM and things are good so far. I've had a lot of trouble getting up at my normal early time this week. Today I went back for an hour, but managed to drag my behind up still early-ish. Still, the goal is to be up and about by 7 AM each day, not 8:30 AM, both because I need to adhere to a schedule and also because it makes both my depression and weight loss easier.
Next weigh in is on Monday, and I hope that the scale is kind to me. I wound up getting a new scale. It's a problem to find scales when you're over 400 pounds for a few reasons. High-capacity is one sure, but the other is that your natural footprint is much wider than that of a skinny person, and so you need a wider scale. Luckily, I found this scale which is really nice. I heart it muchly. It's wide enough for me to stand on, not fussy, and while a touch pricier than one at say Target, it does the job really well. I look forward to see the ever decreasing numbers!
Next weigh in is on Monday, and I hope that the scale is kind to me. I wound up getting a new scale. It's a problem to find scales when you're over 400 pounds for a few reasons. High-capacity is one sure, but the other is that your natural footprint is much wider than that of a skinny person, and so you need a wider scale. Luckily, I found this scale which is really nice. I heart it muchly. It's wide enough for me to stand on, not fussy, and while a touch pricier than one at say Target, it does the job really well. I look forward to see the ever decreasing numbers!
9.16.2010
Thursday Report
Thursday's statistics:
Calories: 1,553
Carbohydrate: 51g (24g of this fiber)
Protein: 92g
I'm not intentionally restricting calories, but I just am happening to eat less because I've not been hungry. I've been having breakfast and dinner only, skipping lunch. I did drink less than I was expecting, but I just wasn't thirsty. Trying really hard to not eat or drink when my body isn't grumbling to.
Calories: 1,553
Carbohydrate: 51g (24g of this fiber)
Protein: 92g
I'm not intentionally restricting calories, but I just am happening to eat less because I've not been hungry. I've been having breakfast and dinner only, skipping lunch. I did drink less than I was expecting, but I just wasn't thirsty. Trying really hard to not eat or drink when my body isn't grumbling to.
9.15.2010
Have to start somewhere...
I guess we all have to start somewhere. I'm starting today at 407 pounds. Here's my weight loss story.
I'm in my 30's, recently divorced, and working on getting my life back in general. The reason I'm so overweight? I could make many excuses, but the truth is simply because I have not taken care of myself as I should. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders, and have an eating addiction. Now that I'm in therapy and slowly moving back to school, I'm getting things back one step at a time. I accept no other results except for success.
The starting stats:
Weight: 407 pounds
Height: 5'2"
BMI: 74.4
Ouch. Kind of suck, don't they? No one to blame for this but me. Now it's time to take responsibility and kick ass.
In order to lose weight, I'm changing both what I eat and how I go about my day. In terms of food, I'll be avoiding most starches and most grains. Yes, I realize that conventional wisdom says whole grains are healthy, but they trigger very bad addictive tendencies when I eat them. One slice of bread never quits there - it's a loaf of bread. I simply have to say no and draw the line here. So, that takes wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes and the like off the list. If I'm really dying to eat it, and it's a special occasion, I might make concessions. As long as I'm not eating it out of boredom, depression, laziness, complacency, or self-abuse, I will. That probably sounds corny as hell, but we'll see. It probably won't be a weekly, or even a monthly thing. Instead, I'll eat fruit (fresh without sugar or processing) when the sweet tooth hits.
While I'll be eating 50g or less of carbs a day, the bulk of my food will be fresh vegetables, as large a variety as possible. Most of these I'll try to get in leafy greens such as kale, turnip greens, romaine, endive, escarole, and the like. Think probably anywhere from 2-4 pounds of vegetation a day. I'll also be eating meat and eggs, of course, the best I can afford.
I'm using the book The Primal Blueprint as my framework. I'm not going to worry about healthy carbs too much overall, unless I start eating way more fruit than I should be (think upwards of 100+ carbs of binging). We'll see how it goes.
I'll be keeping track of my nutrients and such. Not sure if I'll do it here, but perhaps I'll set up FitDay to do it. I already use the retail version to track it, but perhaps extra accountability would be good?
Lastly I'd like to thank Tyler at the 344 Pounds weblog. His writing gave me the needed jolt to get started. So thank you, Tyler! Also, he's an awesome guy. I suggest you check out his website if you haven't. He's a really inspiring fellow.
I'm in my 30's, recently divorced, and working on getting my life back in general. The reason I'm so overweight? I could make many excuses, but the truth is simply because I have not taken care of myself as I should. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders, and have an eating addiction. Now that I'm in therapy and slowly moving back to school, I'm getting things back one step at a time. I accept no other results except for success.
The starting stats:
Weight: 407 pounds
Height: 5'2"
BMI: 74.4
Ouch. Kind of suck, don't they? No one to blame for this but me. Now it's time to take responsibility and kick ass.
In order to lose weight, I'm changing both what I eat and how I go about my day. In terms of food, I'll be avoiding most starches and most grains. Yes, I realize that conventional wisdom says whole grains are healthy, but they trigger very bad addictive tendencies when I eat them. One slice of bread never quits there - it's a loaf of bread. I simply have to say no and draw the line here. So, that takes wheat, corn, oats, rye, potatoes and the like off the list. If I'm really dying to eat it, and it's a special occasion, I might make concessions. As long as I'm not eating it out of boredom, depression, laziness, complacency, or self-abuse, I will. That probably sounds corny as hell, but we'll see. It probably won't be a weekly, or even a monthly thing. Instead, I'll eat fruit (fresh without sugar or processing) when the sweet tooth hits.
While I'll be eating 50g or less of carbs a day, the bulk of my food will be fresh vegetables, as large a variety as possible. Most of these I'll try to get in leafy greens such as kale, turnip greens, romaine, endive, escarole, and the like. Think probably anywhere from 2-4 pounds of vegetation a day. I'll also be eating meat and eggs, of course, the best I can afford.
I'm using the book The Primal Blueprint as my framework. I'm not going to worry about healthy carbs too much overall, unless I start eating way more fruit than I should be (think upwards of 100+ carbs of binging). We'll see how it goes.
I'll be keeping track of my nutrients and such. Not sure if I'll do it here, but perhaps I'll set up FitDay to do it. I already use the retail version to track it, but perhaps extra accountability would be good?
Lastly I'd like to thank Tyler at the 344 Pounds weblog. His writing gave me the needed jolt to get started. So thank you, Tyler! Also, he's an awesome guy. I suggest you check out his website if you haven't. He's a really inspiring fellow.
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